I am writing a blog post. In the middle of tax season! This is unheard of for me, as tax season usually keeps me buried from about mid-February until spring. But, just as 2020 was a different kind of year, the 2020 tax season has been a different kind of season for me. While I never simply breeze through it, there is usually a flow that I am able to get into that helps me get from point A to point B without too much of a hassle.

This year, however, has been a different story … technical issues; seemingly simple questions that require layers of research; trying to accomplish simple tasks that turn freakishly complicated before I’m able to blink. In short, I haven’t found my flow. And this is incredibly frustrating for me.

I have what I like to call a daily meditation practice. I like to call it that because it makes me feel more structured than I actually am. Because it’s not a daily practice. My brain is ridiculously task oriented. Even the creative side of my brain is all about accomplishment, crossing things off an imaginary list. And an actual list. A long one. You know that meme that says, “Sometimes I write down tasks after I’ve done them, just to get the satisfaction of crossing them off my list.”? That’s me.

But I digress.

I am also a little bit of a control connoisseur, as I like to call it. So, when I try to sit and meditate and it doesn’t follow the idea I have in my head of how it should go, I get frustrated and call it a day. And I can’t cross it off the list. Which adds to my frustration. And it builds. And before I know it, I’ve gone days without taking that time to just settle into the quiet for a few minutes.

This morning as I was waking up, I had a few seconds to kind of realize that I was awake before the heaviness of it all started to set in. It wasn’t a bad feeling necessarily, but more a feeling of pressure, of being at the edge of overwhelmed, a hint of fear that I might not be able to catch up. I knew I needed to take a few minutes to just center myself and meditate.

I sat up in bed, closed my eyes and just breathed in the quiet. I took a few deep breaths to center myself and just be present … the soft music playing, the cold air from the fan brushing across my skin … I settled into it … and waited. After a few minutes, I remembered a video I had seen a few days before by a health and fitness coach that I follow on social media. She very powerfully and transparently talks about how difficult self-love is. A concept she talks about that has stuck with me for quite some time is that you are not your body.

As I thought about that this morning, I thought about who I am, or more specifically, who I am not. I am not my body. I am not my work. I am not my struggles. It’s so easy to attach to what we do and what we look like and what we struggle with, and to take that on and make it our identity. I AM an accountant. I AM the person who is constantly trying to lose weight and be healthy. I AM the person who … fill in the blank. But, in reality, none of these things are who I AM. These things that I do … they’re surface … they’re exterior. Who I AM … that’s something deeper. Below the surface. Underneath all the layers. Behind all the veils and the social media profiles and the conversations with friends. All this outer garb, that’s my attempt to communicate who I am to the outside world, to express myself, to pour out the things on the inside of me that I love and that are important to me.

As I thought through it all this morning, I pictured myself setting all these things out in front of me and taking a step back … my work, my frustrations, my struggles, my outer world … I stepped back and separated myself from them. As I pictured this in my mind, this separation, after a few minutes, I slowly began to feel the weight of it lift off my shoulders. I could literally feel a difference in my body. My mind began to settle and I felt a sense of peace wash over me. Relief. Lightness. Gratitude. I thought about all the things on my to do list and, for the first time in days, I wasn’t stressed. I was ready. I could feel that familiar slow, steady flow begin to settle back in.

This may sound a little woo-woo. And maybe it is. But the point is that if we don’t find some way to take a step back from all of it and realize that what we do and what we look like and what we struggle with do not determine who we are, we can go through our entire lives taking on this false identity … we can go through our entire lives letting this outer fluff control us, instead of the other way around. Our mood from day to day, our relationships with others, even our own sense of self-worth – all these things will be affected by our thoughts and feelings about the state of things on the outside of us. But if we can step back, get in touch with who we really are on the inside, and separate ourselves from all this stuff, we can live with a little more ease … a little more peace … a little more joy. And this takes so much pressure off! The harder I try to perform in order to establish my self-worth, the more difficult the tasks are. But, if I do the things I do from a place of centeredness, realizing that even if I don’t do everything perfectly, (and, maybe more importantly, even if I DO) it does not define who I am, then everything else seems to be just a little easier to navigate. I can get back into the flow of my life and my work. There will still be bumps and hiccups. But it’s okay. It’s all part of the process, and this, too, shall pass.

If you are stressed … overwhelmed … depressed … find some way to take a step back from it all, even for just a few minutes. Whether you meditate, spend time outside in nature, play with your kids … whatever it is that helps you connect with that deeper sense of who you are – do it! Don’t let what’s on the surface tell you who you are. Live from the inside out instead.

And now, back to tax season. I’ll see you again in May!