I recently took a (huge, scary, exhilarating) leap to do something I’ve been dreaming about for years. For a long time, I hesitated, using one excuse or another. I kept thinking, once I have this thing accomplished, or once that thing is finished, or maybe next year … you know the drill. I have always been that way. I know something in my life needs to change. I have an idea how to change it. And then 5 years later, I’m on it!

It’s not that I’m afraid of change. Change excites me on a very deep level. I love the idea of a new chapter. My hesitancy to change has pretty much always been the result of self-doubt. In almost every situation in my life where I’ve left something behind, there was a longing for something fresh and different. But it usually had to get so uncomfortable where I was that the only option left was leaving. Work. Marriage. Relationships. It was never fear of the unfamiliar. It was always fear of inadequacy. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, that I needed someone else to help me. Or maybe not even to help, but to approve. To be uncomfortably transparent, the fear of what other people think about me and about what I’m doing has played a much bigger role in my hesitancy to move forward than I care to think about. Growing up, I didn’t have a strong sense of my own value instilled in me. So, I sought it from others. If they doubted me, I doubted myself. If they thought I was making a mistake, then I took their word for it. When I was brave enough to make a change, and I have made some pretty big ones over the years, there had to be someone on the other side of that change pulling me forward, telling me I could do it, offering me a place to land.

This time, though, it’s different. I’m leaving a place that has become quite comfortable and I’m doing it while it’s still relatively comfortable. I’m making a decision, not out of a survival instinct, not because I have no other options, but out of sheer desire to do something that I want to do. I struggled with the decision. I questioned my motives. Is it pride making me want to leave? Is fear making me want to stay? And, between the two, which lesson do I most need to learn? Do I need to swallow my pride and stay where it’s safe? Or do I need to face my fear and go for it?  The answer is obvious. What’s the old saying? If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. The fear is still there. It’s the echoes in my head telling me I won’t make it – even though I always have. The voices from the past telling me I’m making a mistake – even though all of the big steps I have taken over the years have proven to be excellent decisions. Decisions that have propelled me into seasons of explosive personal growth. What’s different this time is that I’m taking the leap on my own. I have encouragement from friends and loved ones, but there is no one on the other side of this thing pulling me forward. No one offering me something to step into.

It’s just me.

Taking a leap.

Into thin air.

If you could look into my day-to-day right now and know the inner workings of my personal life, it might look like I’m being irresponsible. And, maybe I am! This could end up being the worst decision I have ever made. I could regret it. But I know that if I don’t do it, the regret of giving in to my fear will do much more damage to my soul than trying and failing. And, even though there is no one physically holding my hand over the chasm, I know from experience that something or someone beyond myself – God, the universe, source, whatever you want to call it – is looking out for me, making the path straight and giving me the courage to move forward. This is so much more than a physical or financial move. It is a spiritual rite of passage. This is about me stepping up to the plate. Moving to a new level. It’s never just about what’s happening on the outside, it’s so much more about who I am on the inside. It’s one more step toward becoming who I was meant to be.

What about you? What have you been longing to do? What’s holding you back?